Learnings

Maybe Janel is ruining Hailey's life.

Something that is very important to me is good parenting. We all know that children don't come with instruction manuals and that you don't have to get a license to be a parent. Nevertheless, if children did come with manuals, I would want them to be translated from Chinese. I don't care who you are, those are always funny. "Apply the toothbrush at many occasions over times caring each tooth with lucky haste."

I guess it is better that there aren't any manuals for children. Nobody would read them anyway because of all the warnings and legal disclaimers at the beginning. "Warning: Child may vomit. A lot. On your carpet, on your face, etc. Always wear eye and ear protection while in the presence of the child. Do not consume with alcohol. Avoid direct sunlight."

When one of my children shouts the same thing over and over at me, I repeat what the child is screaming at me back to the child. This is so that she will understand that I hear, just like everyone else at Wal*Mart, that the child wants "that." This is an essential part of communication and parenting. Scientists call it "yelling" or "losing your temper." Another good parenting technique is to "threaten" the child. Here is an example of good yelling...

Hailey: "I don't wanna go home!! I don't wanna go home! I DON'T WANNA GO HOME!!!"
Daddy: "You don't want to go home!"
Hailey: "I don't wanna go home!!!"
Daddy: "Hailey! You don't want to go home, do you!?"
Hailey: "Uh-huh! I DON'T WANNA GO HOME!"
Daddy: "YOU DON'T WANNA GO HOME, RIGHT!?"
Hailey: "I don't wanna go home!!!"
Daddy: "Too bad, we're going home now."
Hailey: "I DON'T WANNA GO HOME!!!"
Daddy: "You don't want to go!"

Pirates never have a big enough treasure chest. Sometimes I pretend I'm a judge at a dog show and I walk up to a group of girls and point to them in succession while yelling, "First, second, third!" Then I walk away. One of them looks like she's very sad. One of the other girls looks smug and says to the sad girl, "It's okay, you can't help that your spine isn't straight."

A tip for all the husbands out there. Next time your wife complains that her back is itchy and dry and then makes you rub lotion on the dry spot, think for a minute. Don't apply the lotion with only two fingers and say: "This is grossing me out."

I think that is a major difference between girls and boys. Girls don't like to be gross. Me? I'm okay with the giant black boogers I get after I mow the lawn. I think they're endearing. My wife? Not so into black boogers.

My little brother is ten. I love to watch him, because its like seeing myself. I always say this, but when you're ten all those songs you learned in grade school are at their most hilarious. You know, "...Batman smells, Robin laid an egg..." A lot of people say they wish they could read their favorite book again for the first time. Experience it as they did before they knew ever detail and nuance. Sometimes, I wish I were ten again so that my friends would laugh at my black booger jokes. But that's just me.

I could go on but my wife wants me to rub some lotion on her feet. Sick!