Scientists Discover a "Dork" Gene

From the New York Post:

New York, New York--Genetics researchers at Atlantic University claim to have discovered what they affectionately call the "dork" gene. Dr. Wendell Charles Beane, chair of the genetics program at Atlantic University, claims that social outcasts have something more in common than just pocket protectors and fanny packs.

According to Dr. Beane, "Social outcasts may share a gene that explains their affinity for Dungeon's and Dragons, polyester stretch pants, geology, ninjas, ceramic figurines, unicorns, James Dean, calculus, hanging at the mall, lawn ornaments, jojoba shampoo, rainbows, soccer (United States only), geography, leather vests, accordions, vests, Volkswagens, exercise videos, microscopes, bowling, soy, perms, obscure holidays, servers, saying "bling-bling," chat rooms, USC, America's Funniest Home Videos, jazz, demolition derbies, law school, the Dixie Chicks, Star Trek, Democrats, purple, sparkly things, paintings of wolves, dream catchers, dandruff, bologna, Canada, outer space, celebrities in general, Trivial Pursuit, People magazine, encyclopedias, machine guns, siliceous and horny sponges, blogs, fuzzy dice, talk radio, mass transit, genetics, Def Leopard, cats, poison darts, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, lists of dorky things, sea horses, superheroes, nasal spray, reptiles, designing screen savers, tattoos, stamps, computers, engineering (sorry Kaleb), computer engineering, chemistry, sucking at sports, making money from home, acne, no facial hair (men only), plaid, having big butts, Star Wars, and garlic."

Dr. Beane teaches his students that "liking more than one thing on this list definitely means that you have the "dork" gene and that on one hand you should be totally psyched because reptiles and ninjas are tricky and sweet." But on the other hand, if you have "a big butt, you'd better use your collection of exercise videos more because a big butt makes it harder to ride the bus to awesome Star Trek conventions and messes up the calibration on your tricorder." Dr. Beane definitely gets his students hyped for class by showing videos of Def Leopard's drummer in action while they find their seats. Then he brings them down slowly by playing a serene slideshow including pictures of unicorns, rainbows, outer space, Panda bears, sea horses and horny sponges as he explains why the "dork" gene is the sweetest of all genes.

Underkofler v. Vanasek

Greetings kind reader. Today's topic is a very interesting court case that was heard before the Texas Supreme Court in 2000. The case centers around a dispute between landlord and tenant. Like most "interesting" court cases the legal issues are quite dull while the facts are sensational.

It so happens that Mr. Underkofler was an unfortunate tenant with a wacky landlord. You might say that the landlord in this case, Mr. Vanasek, is eccentric, but it is more likely that you'll say he's crazy. For Mr. Vanasek loves to fulminate. To fulminate is to hurl denunciations, menaces, or censures. It also means to explode. Mr. Vanasek loves gophers . . . a lot. He loves gophers more than ice cream, humans, or even a nice lawn.

Soon after Underkofler moved into Vanasek's rental house, located adjacent to Vanasek's primary residence, Underkofler realized that there were quite a few gophers inhabiting his backyard. He requested that Mr. Vanasek hire a pest control specialist. Vanasek immediately began to fulminate. Underkofler fled the scene and retreated to the safety of his rental house to escape the angry tirade. Understandably upset, Underkofler hired an exterminator himself. However, the exterminator was never able to rid Underkofler of the sub-terranian rodents because Vanasek verbally assaulted the exterminator and the exterminator's mother each time the exterminator attempted to service Underkofler's yard.

Soon, Underkofler's residence was overcome by an infestation of gophers. Underkofler's various attempts at self-help were unsuccesful because they were intentionally thwarted by his landlord. If Underkofler tried to poison the rodents, Vanasek would clean up the poison and then feed the animals carrots and lettuce. Vanasek was so generous to the gophers that Underkofler began to complain about the stench of rotting vegetables after Vanasek threw more vegetables over the fence than the thousands of gophers could injest before the food began to rot. At trial, an expert from the Fish and Game Commission testified that he had never seen so many gophers in such a small area and that the existence of this "gopher paradise" was definitely due to Vanasek's efforts to accomodate them.

So Underkofler did the only thing a reasonably prudent person would do under the same or similar circumstances. He piled some sandbags around his back porch, and armed with a .22 caliber rifle equipped with a silencer, began to "take out" the hapless gophers. As soon as he saw what was happening, Vanasek, inexplicably dressed in black and wearing face paint, tried to sneak up on Underkofler. In an attempt to enter the bunker and "take out" Underkofler, Vanasek was shot twice in the right knee.

Anyway, the neighbors sued each other but I've already told you the only really interesting part of the story.

Comments?

I love it when people comment on my blog. Leaving comments gives me the motivation I need to keep posting. A comment is like paying me to write for you. You are stealing if you are reading this without commenting on it. Comments are the best. Thanks for commenting.

I think that more people would comment if I posted more controversial stuff. Here is a list of possible topics for future posts. Let me know which one you feel is most likely to force you to leave a comment.

Which topic is most controversial or comment-worthy?

• Prohibition
• Bad manners concerning the chewing of gum
• All about stealing political signs from other people's front yards
• Whether or not it is right to run someone off the road when they try to pass you illegally
• A blog entry all about my favorite foods
• An entry about how Texas executes almost 1 person per day and West Virginia hasn't executed anyone for 20 years although the laws in both states concerning capital punishment are similar
• A discussion about why money smells like it does
• An article about how rug burn is more painful than regular burn
• Which is more feminine, sparkly purple or sparkly yellow?
• A discussion about why the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk is better than Disneyland.
• What is a hernia?
• Are jalepenos the new pickle?
• Why does the spell checker always try to change "jalepeno" to "sleeping?"
• "Man, that was a spicy sleeping!"
• The correct pronunciation of err
• Pictures of stuff on my floor

Napoleon

Kip