Wish I was there.

Bryan Brown is a good boy.

Actual Conversation Between David and Janel

(David and Janel conversing after looking at wedding pictures after dinner.)

David: "Man, I was a hunk. What a good looking guy. I could have had any girl I wanted..."

Janel: "But you choosed a lonely old hag."

David: "I could have had any girl I wanted but I choosed one who can't speak English."

Janel: (Laughing) "Now that's true!"

Easter Picnic

Super American Patriot: The Novel

Chapter 13

Lee King

"Who's there?" Uncle Larry croaked. No one answered. Uncle Larry was still in shock from the blast. He sat in disbelief in a small ditch facing away from the highway. He glanced over his shoulder to where his rig should have been but saw only a smoldering crater. "How did I survive?" he wondered silently to himself. He felt movement in the breast pocket of his western-cut sleeveless vest.

"Chappy?" His pet squirrel looked none the worse for wear. "It's amazing you survived, little guy."

Chappy just licked his paws and blinked three times.

Uncle Larry heard some rustling behind him on the road. It was a dark night but he could see the silhouettes of three figures; one had a cowboy hat on. The other two were following the one in the hat. Uncle Larry could hear their conversation from where he was sitting.

The one in the hat spoke first. "He thought he was so tough. Just because he killed of all of the terrorists, he thought he could take on the drug cartels of the south! Well that will teach Uncle Larry to mess with Lee King!"

So that was it. Larry couldn't believe it. This was the second time he'd lost his livelihood to criminals with high explosives. The first time it was terrorists who blew up his truck. Now it was the drug lords that wanted him out of the way. Being Chuck Norris' twin brother and the President's uncle sure had its drawbacks. He was in a constant battle against evil. Just when it seemed he had finally won, more evil came knocking at his door or forgot to knock and just blew stuff up. Mostly evil just blew his stuff up without knocking. This time, there had been no knock.

Larry knew what he had to do next. He stood up slowly. One of the men spoke. "Boss, what is that?" Then Uncle Larry attacked. Before they knew what was happening Larry had flung the squirrel right onto the neck of the nearest drug smuggler. Chappy knew what he had to. He went right for the jugular. "One down, two to go" thought Chappy as the warm blood of the first drug smuggler ran down his chin. Then Chappy blinked 4 times while he cleaned his paws.

Lee King felt a familiar sensation as his incontinence pad "fulfilled its duty." Or maybe it "was filled with doody?" Who knows. All he knew was that he was about to die. He wished he were wearing some clean underwear.

Larry punched Lee King's second henchman in the face. The smuggler's head exploded with a loud pop.

Buy my book to see what happens to Lee King!

The Great American Novel: Update

I've been getting lots of good ideas from readers about my new novel, "Super American Patriot." In case you missed my previous post, it's a book about a trucker who's life is ruined when terrorists blow up his big-rig while he's truckin' the I-35 in Texas. He takes revenge after the President gives him a new blue rig named "Sweet Revenge."

Cousin Leah suggested that Chuck Norris appear in the novel. She writes:

"Please tell me Chuck Norris makes a guest appearance in this book, and that he roundhouse kicks some opposing big rig and it explodes and then a hott chick totally hooks up with him, but he roundhouse kicks her, too, because she is really a terrorist in disguise and then Uncle Larry and Chuck Norris stop for a smooth, cool, Marlboro because they're real men and that's what real men do. "

I think that this is probably the best idea that my cousin has ever thought of. In her entire life! I like the idea of roundhouse kicks, and I especially like the idea of a terrorist dressed up as a "hott" chick. Except I don't think that Chuck would smoke a Marlboro. He's way too tough to smoke in the traditional sense. I think I'll put in an entire chapter about how he harvests poison oak, dries the poison oak by sleeping on it in Death Valley in July during the day. Then at the end of the chapter, after Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked Osama Bin Laden's crotch 560 times while Uncle Larry holds Osama by the beard, Chuck and Uncle Larry will crumble the dried poison oak into their beards, light their beards on fire, and then breathe in deeply to celebrate the fact that they have effectuated the first recorded occurrence of death by roundhouse kicks to the crotch.

Just the thought of this is getting me totally hyped to start writing. I'm also thinking of writing another villain into the story line. He's going to be a drug lord from south of the border that tries to steal Uncle Larry's rig to smuggle drugs into America. Here is his picture. I'm still trying to think of a name. Any ideas?

The Great American Novel

I'm writing a book about a trucker who takes on Al Queda and Osama Bin Laden in northeastern Texas. The tentative title is "Super American Patriot"

Here are the cover and rear flap graphics:

The protagonist: "Uncle Larry"

An excerpt: "Uncle Larry was mad. Uncle Larry was thinking hard. He was thinking harder and madder than he'd ever thought before. He was very upset. He was thinking more madder, and more upsetter, and more harder than ever! Now that terrorists had blown up his rig, what was he going to do?"

Buy my book to find out!