Garlic Boy's Greatest Hits: Squirrels are Funny

Repost from Friday, August 12, 2005

The topic of my essay today is the squirrel. Often regarded as adorable, cute, and cuddly, the squirrel is also the funniest creature known to man. You may be saying to yourself, "Like anyone can even know that, Garlic Boy." Be still, gentle reader, be still. I seek your benevolent attention as I endeavor to quiet your doubts concerning the humor of the humble, yet often hysterical, squirrel. Unlike the grotesque rat, or the menacing opossum, the most gregarious inhabitants of our great nation's parks offer hours of entertainment daily and ask for only a few pounds of tortilla chips in return. Why tortilla chips? Because tortilla chips are funny! Especially when they are on fire.

Imagine a world, a world full of squirrels. Close your eyes if you must, the visualization is key. In this world all the squirrels wear clothing. Some of them dress nattily, others sloppily. However, no matter how they dress, they are all funny. That is because they are dressed like humans but still act like squirrels in many ways. They stuff their little cheeks full of chips, grapes, and whatever else they can fit into those little pouches. Add to that a little police brutality where the squirrels are the cops, their cheeks are stuffed with donuts, they have little toothpick nightsticks, and a pigeon is the victim and a chuckle is not far off. I know, I know, your stomach muscles may need a little break at this point.

I discovered the hidden comic potential of the squirrel while I was still in high school. My friend Scott and I decided that we would catch about 300 squirrels at Christmas Hill Park and then set them loose in the Nob Hill grocery store the afternoon before Thanksgiving. We imagined the startled shoppers running in panic as boxes of graham crackers flew through the air, much to the delight of our squirrels. Then, Scott and I decided that to be truly successful, our squirrels would all need to be dressed in little cotton briefs with perhaps a Batman print on them. Not only would they eat everything in sight, but they would look like naughty little squirrels who'd taken off their school uniforms to execute the mayhem. However, our plan never came to fruition, as we decided not to expose our little friends to the dangerous "butcher of Nob Hill."

We also decided to train our squirrels to look down blouses and whistle from up in the trees. Our squirrels were so funny they did one better. They dropped acorns down quite a few shirts and then went after the food they had "accidentally" dropped. Man, that was funny. Up until little "Lucky" got smacked and lost his hearing in one ear. "Chappy" said that Lucky was pushing his luck with 34 acorn drops a day. I guess he was right, but it didn't make Lucky feel any better not to hear Chappy say that.

Snakes are not as funny as squirrels. There is no way to make any Batman underwear that fits a snake.

Sometimes I wonder why squirrels are so much funnier than humans. I guess it is because there has never been a reported case of squirrels eating other squirrels. Whereas with humans, you never know who might want to eat you. Granted, humans do have a lot less fur than squirrels.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed our little chit-chat about one of the funniest mammals on the planet, the squirrel.