Wish I was there.

Bryan Brown is a good boy.

Actual Conversation Between David and Janel

(David and Janel conversing after looking at wedding pictures after dinner.)

David: "Man, I was a hunk. What a good looking guy. I could have had any girl I wanted..."

Janel: "But you choosed a lonely old hag."

David: "I could have had any girl I wanted but I choosed one who can't speak English."

Janel: (Laughing) "Now that's true!"

Easter Picnic

Super American Patriot: The Novel

Chapter 13

Lee King

"Who's there?" Uncle Larry croaked. No one answered. Uncle Larry was still in shock from the blast. He sat in disbelief in a small ditch facing away from the highway. He glanced over his shoulder to where his rig should have been but saw only a smoldering crater. "How did I survive?" he wondered silently to himself. He felt movement in the breast pocket of his western-cut sleeveless vest.

"Chappy?" His pet squirrel looked none the worse for wear. "It's amazing you survived, little guy."

Chappy just licked his paws and blinked three times.

Uncle Larry heard some rustling behind him on the road. It was a dark night but he could see the silhouettes of three figures; one had a cowboy hat on. The other two were following the one in the hat. Uncle Larry could hear their conversation from where he was sitting.

The one in the hat spoke first. "He thought he was so tough. Just because he killed of all of the terrorists, he thought he could take on the drug cartels of the south! Well that will teach Uncle Larry to mess with Lee King!"

So that was it. Larry couldn't believe it. This was the second time he'd lost his livelihood to criminals with high explosives. The first time it was terrorists who blew up his truck. Now it was the drug lords that wanted him out of the way. Being Chuck Norris' twin brother and the President's uncle sure had its drawbacks. He was in a constant battle against evil. Just when it seemed he had finally won, more evil came knocking at his door or forgot to knock and just blew stuff up. Mostly evil just blew his stuff up without knocking. This time, there had been no knock.

Larry knew what he had to do next. He stood up slowly. One of the men spoke. "Boss, what is that?" Then Uncle Larry attacked. Before they knew what was happening Larry had flung the squirrel right onto the neck of the nearest drug smuggler. Chappy knew what he had to. He went right for the jugular. "One down, two to go" thought Chappy as the warm blood of the first drug smuggler ran down his chin. Then Chappy blinked 4 times while he cleaned his paws.

Lee King felt a familiar sensation as his incontinence pad "fulfilled its duty." Or maybe it "was filled with doody?" Who knows. All he knew was that he was about to die. He wished he were wearing some clean underwear.

Larry punched Lee King's second henchman in the face. The smuggler's head exploded with a loud pop.

Buy my book to see what happens to Lee King!

The Great American Novel: Update

I've been getting lots of good ideas from readers about my new novel, "Super American Patriot." In case you missed my previous post, it's a book about a trucker who's life is ruined when terrorists blow up his big-rig while he's truckin' the I-35 in Texas. He takes revenge after the President gives him a new blue rig named "Sweet Revenge."

Cousin Leah suggested that Chuck Norris appear in the novel. She writes:

"Please tell me Chuck Norris makes a guest appearance in this book, and that he roundhouse kicks some opposing big rig and it explodes and then a hott chick totally hooks up with him, but he roundhouse kicks her, too, because she is really a terrorist in disguise and then Uncle Larry and Chuck Norris stop for a smooth, cool, Marlboro because they're real men and that's what real men do. "

I think that this is probably the best idea that my cousin has ever thought of. In her entire life! I like the idea of roundhouse kicks, and I especially like the idea of a terrorist dressed up as a "hott" chick. Except I don't think that Chuck would smoke a Marlboro. He's way too tough to smoke in the traditional sense. I think I'll put in an entire chapter about how he harvests poison oak, dries the poison oak by sleeping on it in Death Valley in July during the day. Then at the end of the chapter, after Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked Osama Bin Laden's crotch 560 times while Uncle Larry holds Osama by the beard, Chuck and Uncle Larry will crumble the dried poison oak into their beards, light their beards on fire, and then breathe in deeply to celebrate the fact that they have effectuated the first recorded occurrence of death by roundhouse kicks to the crotch.

Just the thought of this is getting me totally hyped to start writing. I'm also thinking of writing another villain into the story line. He's going to be a drug lord from south of the border that tries to steal Uncle Larry's rig to smuggle drugs into America. Here is his picture. I'm still trying to think of a name. Any ideas?

The Great American Novel

I'm writing a book about a trucker who takes on Al Queda and Osama Bin Laden in northeastern Texas. The tentative title is "Super American Patriot"

Here are the cover and rear flap graphics:

The protagonist: "Uncle Larry"

An excerpt: "Uncle Larry was mad. Uncle Larry was thinking hard. He was thinking harder and madder than he'd ever thought before. He was very upset. He was thinking more madder, and more upsetter, and more harder than ever! Now that terrorists had blown up his rig, what was he going to do?"

Buy my book to find out!

Biggest Worm Ever and Some Cute Kids

Sorry, Mom and Dad

I wouldn't be tagged as a liberal if it didn't ask questions like this: "It should be legal for two consenting adults to challenge each other to a duel and fight a death match." Or this one: "Since parents can't be trusted to monitor what their children watch, TV content needs to be more regulated." Maybe I like TV to be regulated for other reasons? How do I answer that? You are a Social Liberal (63% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (38% permissive) You are best described as a: Centrist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

A Very Lucky Clown Cake

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ELDEN!

Santa's Fur

Hailey started talking a lot recently. So I showed her this picture to see her reaction. She was very sober about the whole thing. Didn't have much to say about it. Amanda summed it up, "Hailey is scared of Santa's fur."

Garlic Boy's Greatest Hits: Squirrels are Funny

Repost from Friday, August 12, 2005

The topic of my essay today is the squirrel. Often regarded as adorable, cute, and cuddly, the squirrel is also the funniest creature known to man. You may be saying to yourself, "Like anyone can even know that, Garlic Boy." Be still, gentle reader, be still. I seek your benevolent attention as I endeavor to quiet your doubts concerning the humor of the humble, yet often hysterical, squirrel. Unlike the grotesque rat, or the menacing opossum, the most gregarious inhabitants of our great nation's parks offer hours of entertainment daily and ask for only a few pounds of tortilla chips in return. Why tortilla chips? Because tortilla chips are funny! Especially when they are on fire.

Imagine a world, a world full of squirrels. Close your eyes if you must, the visualization is key. In this world all the squirrels wear clothing. Some of them dress nattily, others sloppily. However, no matter how they dress, they are all funny. That is because they are dressed like humans but still act like squirrels in many ways. They stuff their little cheeks full of chips, grapes, and whatever else they can fit into those little pouches. Add to that a little police brutality where the squirrels are the cops, their cheeks are stuffed with donuts, they have little toothpick nightsticks, and a pigeon is the victim and a chuckle is not far off. I know, I know, your stomach muscles may need a little break at this point.

I discovered the hidden comic potential of the squirrel while I was still in high school. My friend Scott and I decided that we would catch about 300 squirrels at Christmas Hill Park and then set them loose in the Nob Hill grocery store the afternoon before Thanksgiving. We imagined the startled shoppers running in panic as boxes of graham crackers flew through the air, much to the delight of our squirrels. Then, Scott and I decided that to be truly successful, our squirrels would all need to be dressed in little cotton briefs with perhaps a Batman print on them. Not only would they eat everything in sight, but they would look like naughty little squirrels who'd taken off their school uniforms to execute the mayhem. However, our plan never came to fruition, as we decided not to expose our little friends to the dangerous "butcher of Nob Hill."

We also decided to train our squirrels to look down blouses and whistle from up in the trees. Our squirrels were so funny they did one better. They dropped acorns down quite a few shirts and then went after the food they had "accidentally" dropped. Man, that was funny. Up until little "Lucky" got smacked and lost his hearing in one ear. "Chappy" said that Lucky was pushing his luck with 34 acorn drops a day. I guess he was right, but it didn't make Lucky feel any better not to hear Chappy say that.

Snakes are not as funny as squirrels. There is no way to make any Batman underwear that fits a snake.

Sometimes I wonder why squirrels are so much funnier than humans. I guess it is because there has never been a reported case of squirrels eating other squirrels. Whereas with humans, you never know who might want to eat you. Granted, humans do have a lot less fur than squirrels.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed our little chit-chat about one of the funniest mammals on the planet, the squirrel.

A Very Young Nicole Kidman

Nicole is the little girl in the middle of the sandwich.

I Love...ME!

So I played city-league basketball a couple of summers ago in the Garlic Capital of the World. I didn't know that my performances were being published until I googled myself today. I definitely would have played harder if I had known.

Two excerpts from the Gilroy Dispatch:

"Beale Properties finished second at 4-2 with a 47-46 squeaker over Cordevalle. Nick Possley and Shawn Teacher each scored 16 points for Beale. Birt Bigelow scored the deciding two free throws with 12 seconds to play. David "Garlic Boy" Warner worked inside for 12 points, Bobby Martin outside for 10 for Cordevalle (3-3)."

"Brent Torres hit for 19 points Wednesday as Cordevalle opened the Men's D League second half with a 67-58 decision over Pizza N Stuff. David "Garlic Boy" Warner followed with 16 points, Daniel Crowe 15 for the Duffers. Miguel Gilliard managed 23 points, Donte Fullard 20 for Pizza N Stuff."

I had no idea I was so famous. Crazy!

"Never this different, never...this wonderful."

Bryan sent this in...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-818944862742874918&q=autistic+basketball

What about the other team's feelings?

International Trade Law

Last quarter I took a class called "International Trade Law." My teacher told us his name was J. Chester. He put that name on his syllabus, wrote it on the board, put it on the cover of our textbook, and even told us his "name" on the first day of class. He claimed to have punched a hole in the wall and patented it as the "Chester Hole." Basically, he never gave up on trying to convince us that his name was Chester. Don't get me wrong. He is a great teacher. I really liked his class, other than that he gave Bryan an A and gave me an A-. Which is pretty ridiculous when you think about it. This is a picture of my teacher, a.k.a. "J. Chester."
It didn't take long before my friend, Justin, figured out that our "professor" was actually singing legend, Lee Greenwood. You can see a picture of Mr. Greenwood below. Each and every day we came to class, hoping that that today would be the day that our "professor" would finally break down and sing "Proud to be an American." We even hinted that we wanted to hear it. For instance, whenever Randy answered a question in class he would end his answer with "where at least I know I'm free." So most of Randy's answers went something like this: "A foreign trade zone isn't actually foreign at all. Foreign trade zones are almost always located on American soil, where at least I know I'm free." Lee never let his facade down, however. I suppose we can't blame him. If it weren't for the paparazzi, he'd probably just admit that he's actually the ultimate patriotic songster, Lee Greenwood, just without the tight white Wranglers and stars and stripes vest.
If you're ever surfing the net and you see this, Lee "Chester" Greenwood, remember the fun times we had together in International Trade Law. Chester Hole? Genius.

No Sleep, Ever

These are pictures of SOME of my homework. I spent most of Saturday printing it out. I have class until about 4:30 each afternoon and then...homework. Don't worry, this is only 2 weeks worth. Loving it!